Archive | June, 2011

you had me at “no seriously am i awesome or what?”

30 Jun

here are some more okcupid charmers…

-you’re studying education? really? i cant imagine any interesting question about education administration that hasn’t been answered. hey…but what do i know

-Apparently we are a match. I’m very excited and ready to make sweet looovvveee to you. :> No seriously am I awesome or what?

-Happy New Year!!. I saw your pic and was attracted to you. Looking to have some New Years romance/passion? 😉  Lets start the new year on the wild side, perhaps wine and uninhibited romance. I may be direct but It just means I go after what I want. Interested? 😉

Bob

 

Advertisements

Shuffleboard

29 Jun

I was at a bar with two friends, one a lesbian and one with a boyfriend.  I told them that I thought this group of guys by us was cute so the friend with the boyfriend took it upon herself to walk up to this group, points at me and says, “Why aren’t any of you guys hitting on my friend?”  They sort of stare at her in shock, and then slowly give excuses.  Two have girlfriends at home.  One says, “I’m gay!” and the one that’s left sort of looks around and doesn’t know what to say.  Finally he starts talking to me and we engage in a highly competitive game of shuffleboard.  I end up having a lot of fun with him and even though he’s sort of short, I think he’s pretty hot and I like his tattoos and he has a cool job.  When we are all leaving, it’s prime time for him to ask for my number.  He beats around the bush for so long that I can hardly stand it and try to leave.  He finally blurts out that he can’t imagine a girl like me wanting to date someone as short and fat as him.  He is short but he is not fat and I’m so confused by his insecure blackout.  He asks me if I want him to walk me home and I tell him that I don’t need him to but he can if he wants.  He compromises and says he’ll walk me half way (???) and once we get to the half way mark he finally grows some balls and kisses me.  We exchange numbers and agree to have a shuffleboard rematch.  Somehow his insecurity followed him though and instead of just asking me to have a drink with him, his texts became exclusively about shuffleboard.  A sampling of the exchange over 2 months:

1/4/2011 Him: Let’s have a rematch later this week…I’m sure you can use the practice..

Me: Yeah, let me know when

1/12/2011 Him: Just logged in a few hours of shuffle board practice

2/3/2011 *We run into each other and I text him because he says he lost my number

Him: Glad we ran into each other…I owe you a rematch

2/15/2011 Him: Lady Jays is starting a shuffle board league starting feb 20th fyi

Me: Cool. What are you getting at?

2/16/2011 Him: We need to have an official competition.  And maybe a practice round.

Me: Ha yeah I know, pretty sure I challenged you to just that a month ago.

Him: I’m ready for a challenge anytime.

*Three weeks later

2/28/2011 Him: Any interest in shuffleboard this week?

 

 

 

let’s never speak of this again

28 Jun

Hip Replacement

27 Jun
I once went on a date with a television writer I met at a party. We decided to meet near a certain subway stop and then get dinner somewhere nearby. As we walked away from the subway, we started talking about where to eat. “I could walk for awhile!” I said. “Just wander until we find something that looks good.” He gave me a slightly bashful look. “I can’t really walk,” he said. Being that he wrote for a comedy show, I assumed he was joking, and laughed. “No, I actually really can’t walk,” he said. “I…I had hip surgery recently.””Like, a hip replacement?” I asked. He was under 30, so I started to wonder if his parents were cousins, or otherwise related in an inbred way (was he his mother’s son AND her brother? #Chinatown). No, he explained (thank god), he had torn some kind of ligament or something. Oh, a sports injury? Nope. An injury sustained…during sex. He had basically pulled out his hip while trying out some kind of CRAZY position in bed (I didn’t ask for specifics; it was our first date!). He had recently gotten off crutches but he had to take it easy for a few more months.We walked to a restaurant one block away, and we did not go on a second date. But mostly cause he was a bad kisser.

Detroit Pimp

26 Jun

I was sitting at a restaurant with some friends when I noticed that I was intruding on the personal space of the guy next to me.  I turned around to apologize and by the end of  my 3 second long apology he had asked for my name, number and a drink later in the week.  I mouthed What do you think? to my friends and they nodded their approval.  He called me the next day and we planned to meet at a bar by my apartment.  Once there, I searched for him, but didn’t see anyone who resembled the person I had briefly interacted with.  I thought, “Fuck. Do I not even know what this guy looks like?”  Just then, I see someone stand up from his seat and wave me over.  I shiver when I realize that without the hat that I had originally met him in, this guy had a full on blonde Farrah Fawcett feathered haircut.

The conversation was nothing short of painful.  He tells me he used to be an actor.  He tells me he went to six different colleges in four years for undergrad, which to me translated into rapist/murderer fleeing the scene, severe social anxiety, con artist?  My mind was racing.  He tells me his brother is a cartographer of the sea in California. He also tells me that he plays music that is going to change the face of rock and roll and all of a sudden I realize that he’s a pathological liar.  When I ask if he plays in a band and he asks me to rephrase the question, I decide that I will not survive another 5 minutes of this unless I get drunk, fast.  I go to the bar and order a vodka on the rocks.  When I see the bartender glance over at Farrah at our table, I try to give him a look that says, “This is the worst date I’ve EVER been on.”  But of course, it’s too late.  After I dive into the vodka, I’m feeling a little better, but he finishes his drink and doesn’t want another one so I’ve essentially self-induced an extended date.  When we leave, we both run away from each other as quickly as possible and I tell myself I will never go on a date again.

Once home, I decide to look up his music video that supposedly was going to catapult his world tour.   I went on a fucking date with The Detroit Pimp.   Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_qylQKkQTA

Peeing on NYU

25 Jun

I come from a Jewish family of Yenta’s and so needless to say, when my dad heard that his Jewish client had a single son, he immediately got the 411. Here are the stats: he’s over 5’10, he’s single, he’s Jewish, he’s a red head, and he’s a magna cum laude college graduate (read: he’s fucking marriage material). I get excited, but probably should have known better.

Presumably after a sufficient amount of stalking, he messages me on facebook and asks me out for a drink. We meet at a dimly lit, local west village watering hole. He gets there before me and takes a seat at the bar. Ten minutes later, I arrive and scan the room. I spot a lone patron with neon orange hair, but think to myself, “No. Dad assured me he was a classic ginger. He’d never set me up with Carrot Top, right?” Sadly, there’s nobody else with red hair in the bar, so I assume it’s him and walk over to say hello. Since I heard he was tall, I decided to go with a small wedge heel. I figured what the hell. Tall Jews are rare, so why not save my feet from a lifetime of boring flats. He stands up to greet me, and I’m shocked as barely clears my chin. “Fuck,” I think to myself. “Shoulda gone with the flats. But be open. He’s single, and Jewish.”

Surprisingly, the conversation flows and it’s interesting. We talk about music, we talk about New York and we talk about food. All good, neutral subjects. Then, in the midst of a heated battle over the best Dim Sum in NYC, he tells me he has a home composting station. I think “Ok. So he’s Green. I can work with that.” Next up, he tells me he started an herb garden in his Brooklyn apartment. “How cute,” I think. “He can cook me fresh pasta with a sprinkling of home grown oregano.” Then, he casually mentions that he doesn’t flush the toilet unless he “goes number 2.” Check please?

He picks up the tab for two rounds of drinks. We’re near my apartment and so he offers to walk me home. I oblige, partially amused by his valiant attempt at chivalry. Two blocks into our walk, ginger man taps my shoulder and asks me to wait a second. I’m assuming he needs to re-tie his shoe (filthy Vans, circa 1998) but to my surprise, I see his hand move to start undoing his belt. What’s this? Does he really think that after telling me he only flushes for “number 2’s” I’m gonna be into a quickie? Next thing I know, I see him unzip his pants and whip out his you know what. I knew what was coming next. Stunned, I walk to the end of the block in an attempt to avoid getting a glimpse of his red haired monster. Even while standing at the end of the block, I heard a sound that can only be equated to the running waters of Niagara Falls. “He’s peeing,” I think to myself. “Holy fucking shit, he’s literally peeing. On the street. In front of NYU, my alma mater.”

After he’s relieved what I later learned was “a really big pee,” he walks to where I’m standing, and resumes conversation as normal. I’m paralyzed, stunned, blankly nodding my head as he tells me he’s super into Bright Eyes (who, coincidentally, is my least favorite artist on the planet).  As we approach my apartment, he reaches to take my HAND, and go in for a kiss. I whip my arm behind my back, turn a cheek, and run home to write this story and call my dad.

wait. what?

24 Jun
5 okcupid messages we didn’t respond to.  we know you have some–send them our way!
1. I really liked your profile, your description.  It’s refreshing.
You look fun and intelligent.  AND you are cute! 🙂
I’m looking for wild sex!
Arthur
2. hello,
wanna grab a coffie this week???
just messaging random, no need to respond
3. you are way out of my league but maybe we can be besties?! im great at errands and stuff. wait nevermind how embarassingg.
4. Now my roommate wants a beagle and I think he might actually get one.
I’m not a ‘dog person’ but I think it’d be neat?
5. Hey don’t you just wish that the guys who contact you would grow some balls and stop being around the bush and tell you what the want from you..ie short term, long term, penpals etc.  I’ll tell you straight up.  I don’t think we would make a good long term match.  Don’t get me wrong I find you very attractive, but now I’m just looking for short term casual friends with benefits.  I think we can cause a lot of trouble together.  I love to be honest and have intellectual conversations about a variety of topics.  If that is something that you will consider check out my profile.  If not… No worries.