Detroit Pimp

26 Jun

I was sitting at a restaurant with some friends when I noticed that I was intruding on the personal space of the guy next to me.  I turned around to apologize and by the end of  my 3 second long apology he had asked for my name, number and a drink later in the week.  I mouthed What do you think? to my friends and they nodded their approval.  He called me the next day and we planned to meet at a bar by my apartment.  Once there, I searched for him, but didn’t see anyone who resembled the person I had briefly interacted with.  I thought, “Fuck. Do I not even know what this guy looks like?”  Just then, I see someone stand up from his seat and wave me over.  I shiver when I realize that without the hat that I had originally met him in, this guy had a full on blonde Farrah Fawcett feathered haircut.

The conversation was nothing short of painful.  He tells me he used to be an actor.  He tells me he went to six different colleges in four years for undergrad, which to me translated into rapist/murderer fleeing the scene, severe social anxiety, con artist?  My mind was racing.  He tells me his brother is a cartographer of the sea in California. He also tells me that he plays music that is going to change the face of rock and roll and all of a sudden I realize that he’s a pathological liar.  When I ask if he plays in a band and he asks me to rephrase the question, I decide that I will not survive another 5 minutes of this unless I get drunk, fast.  I go to the bar and order a vodka on the rocks.  When I see the bartender glance over at Farrah at our table, I try to give him a look that says, “This is the worst date I’ve EVER been on.”  But of course, it’s too late.  After I dive into the vodka, I’m feeling a little better, but he finishes his drink and doesn’t want another one so I’ve essentially self-induced an extended date.  When we leave, we both run away from each other as quickly as possible and I tell myself I will never go on a date again.

Once home, I decide to look up his music video that supposedly was going to catapult his world tour.   I went on a fucking date with The Detroit Pimp.   Enjoy.


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