Archive | July, 2011

Big dick

29 Jul

My worst date ever never actually happened. I didn’t even meet the guy.

This happened back in college after I gained my freshman 15 (ok, let’s be honest, it was more like 40). I was chatting online with this guy for a while and we decided to meet up. He was going to meet me in front of my place. After standing outside for about 15 minutes I get a text. It said “sorry, I’m just too shallow for you”. I was so hurt and offended but got on with the day. About half an hour later I’m at a store and I get another text saying “ok, I’ve thought about it, we can have sex, but that’s it, no relationship or dating”. Now I’m beyond pissed. I mean, who does this guy think he is and more importantly, who does he think I am?? So after telling him where he can shove it, he let up.

A few weeks later he “accidentally” calls, claiming to have had his phone in his pocket and that he wasn’t sure who it
was, and then asks me for another chance. Really guy? I might have been overweight, but I’d never be so desperate.



No more beard

28 Jul

I ran into a friend of a friend who I’d always had a crush on.  He ended up asking me out and we met for a drink.  I was insanely attracted to him but we ended up having this strange back and forth at the end of the date where he kept on saying that if I wanted to hang out with him again, I should call him.  I kept on telling him that he should call me if he wanted to see me again.  I was getting really frustrated and thinking that maybe he wasn’t that into me when finally he kissed me really hard and I left excited about it.  We made plans for the next week and I when I went to meet him at the bar, he was nowhere in sight.  I ended up texting him because I couldn’t find him.  Finally, this fratty looking guy approaches me at the bar and my heart sank as I realized that my bearded dreamboat had gotten a horrible haircut and without his facial hair, had a severe case of fat face.  I went with it anyway and kept trying to drop hints about how he looked different and how much I appreciate a beard on a guy. The first night we had sex, everything was going well until I got on top, he lost his hard-on and yelped, “I KNEW I WOULD’T BE ABLE TO SATISFY YOU IN SOME WAY!!”  I then had to talk him off the ledge until he was hard again and just pounded away at me to prove his manliness.  We ended up dating for about two months and sex was always like this.  Whenever I would get on top he would lose his shit and somehow go soft, I would have to comfort him and tell him it was ok, and then he would desperately jackhammer away at me as soon as he was ready again.



good grief

27 Jul

i saw this girl at yoga and we made eye contact and she immediately came up to me and told me i was cute.  i saw her again a week later; she was working at a bar and she gave me her number and we made plans to go on a date.  it seemed like she was going to flake out on me because we were texting back and forth and it just didn’t seem like it was going to work; she wasn’t enthusiastic about it so i texted her that maybe we should do this another time, basically planning on just not doing it ever.  but she texted me “no no, let’s get together, my grandma just died and i need to get rid of some tension ;)”  yes, it had a wink face.

…so i went over to her house and i texted her “hey, i’m outside can you come out” and she texted back “i trapped you hahaha.  come inside”.  i went to the door and i don’t remember who answered but her whole family was there because they’d just gotten back from the wake.  i went inside and i met the whooooole family; the other grandmother, her dad; there were probably 15 people there.  they didn’t seem surprised that i was there.  at some point the girl i was trying to date pulled me aside and asked if i wanted to go upstairs.  and i really did, so i said okay.  we went up five or six stairs to this kind of half landing on the staircase with a small sofa and a side table.  the family could still see us and we could see them.  we were in plain view.  we were sitting there talking and then she just started making out with me right there.  i told her i was feeling uncomfortable and she suggested we go to her room.  we went to her room and started making out again and after about five minutes her sister just walked in and started looking through things in the room and the girl didn’t even look up or stop fooling around with me.  i don’t remember how, but somehow i managed to escape and when she asked me out again, i said no…

are you there god? it’s me, drunk texting.

26 Jul

We want you

26 Jul

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I got my MBA on Facebook

25 Jul

Facebook message I recently received:

Hi…watz up in life…,well bout working in an IT Firm in the project mgmt n control division having completed my MBA in finance..just been to dis world of facebook to have a grasp at the charming n enigmatic world. A world free of any bondings n attachments…itz cool out here. wat say…Achievement, glory,win of the situation sometimes give’s people a moment …u know some few moments of enjoyment……n dey forget to realize in the excitement of glory dat to achieve stagnant peace of hearfelt glories all across our life, it needs to be by way of realizing the depth of our understandable matured way of living. the lick of the world…takes the juice away..


law school score

22 Jul

i was 25, and i met this guy at a burning man party.  i had partaken of various substances and was feeling pretty awesome and not at all appalled by this guy’s outfit made entirely of CDs.  i ended up leaving my group and going to smoke a cigarette with him.  when he wasn’t wearing skimpy outfits held together with twist-ties, he was going to law school.  ultimately we made out and exchanged phone numbers.

we went out a couple weeks later, for dinner.  turns out, he’s not going to law school, he WILL be going to law school after he graduates undergrad and applies and gets in and all that.

we go to a bar and he admits he’s 20, and uses a fake ID.  we go back to my place and have very mediocre sex.  as we’re drifting off to sleep i stress to him that i do not want to be woken up before my alarm.  we’re not all living the dream of not having class til 4pm and i have work in the morning.  my alarm is set for 8:15.  at 7:30 he’s shaking my arm, whispering my name.  finally i have to acknowledge him.  “what?”

“can i go to the bathroom?”