call me old-fashioned, but…

4 Jul

I was hooking up with a girl from ASU (Arizona State University) for about a month when she asked me to go to a party. It was a house party and I showed up alone to meet her. I was greeted at the door by two large dudes with the same enthusiastic welcome the Grand Wizard of the KKK might receive in South Central LA. Good start to this magical evening. A quick phone call and the girl who invited me came out front to meet me promptly 20 minutes later. She whispered something to these Rampage Jackson look-alikes that narrowly stopped them from hitting me with a forearm shiver and sending me headfirst into the bushes.

We get into the party and its chock full of dudes running around in their underwear.  A lot of dancing was going on, too. To put it lightly the activity in this party made the movie “Birdcage” look like “Commando.” I figure it’s one of her gay friend’s parties and think nothing of it. We begin to drink and talk when one of the larger underwear clad men approach us. Now, even though this was a college party I say men because all these dudes look like they could play on the defensive line for the 1985 Chicago Bears. I was expecting a hello but instead the guy starts making out with the girl who invited me to the party. Let’s recap… starts making out with the girl who invited me to the party… again for those in the cheap seats giant dude in underwear (who I thought was gay) starts making out with the girl who I was hooking up with. She introduces him to me as her boyfriend and he gives me a bone-crushing handshake. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t think that it’s proper party etiquette to invite the guy you’re hooking up with to your boyfriend’s weird underwear party. Turns out it was the ASU hockey team and the underwear thing was hazing for the rookies. Seeing as how she wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and her boyfriend probably had a punch that would invoke Down Syndrome I tipped my hat and buffalo shuffled out the back way.

I never answered her calls after that but if I had I’m sure she would have come and visited me in whatever intensive care unit I ended up in.



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