Hand Rule

12 Jul

During my summers home from college I used to hostess at a high-end restaurant on the beach. The waiters were mostly a group of wannabe actors, so it was a generally attractive and fun working environment. My work crush was a tall surfer type who loved nothing more than reflecting on his spiritually fulfilling beach life. Okay, so we weren’t going to get married, but whatever he was hot.

Anyway, I put my flirt on anytime I could and eventually one night he texted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I got to his apartment and we drank wine and made awkward small talk until we were both drunk enough to start making out. Our shirts came off, and we moved from the couch to his lofted bed (like, I went up a ladder to get there) and as he’s lying on top of me he says, “My one rule for hooking up is that both of your hands have to be touching me AT ALL TIMES”. The serious tone with which this was said was a bit jarring but I just laughed awkwardly (this is perhaps a semi-cute joke?), put my hands on his naked back, and continued the makeout session. It’s heated, and I’m clearly not thinking about much of anything at that point, and I suppose a hand slipped from his body onto the bed at which point he immediately stops making out with me to yell “HAND RULE!” Yes, HAND RULE. I didn’t even learn my lesson after this because it wasn’t the only time it happened. HAND RULE. HAND RULE. I mean, I got in big trouble if both my hands weren’t touching him AT ALL TIMES. I kept thinking, “This isn’t even a practical rule!”

You have no idea how awkward it can get to move around without removing either hand from the other person’s body. Anyway, he then tried to take all my clothes off but I was a little too weirded out, and a little too scared, and I said no. And he kept trying, and I kept saying no, and he kept trying, and eventually I was like “I gotta go.” I climbed down the ladder, put on my shirt, but before I departed he left me with this beautiful parting thought:

“You’re missing out on the best fuck of your life.”




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