Photogenic Genitals

8 Aug

Everyone who dates in nyc knows a substantial portion of one’s hookups come from leeching off of friends’ successful relationships. So when my friend tells me her new hookup is stopping by with “a cute friend,” I feel pretty good about it. When the cute friend is a bonafide A-class sex-god — I’m thrilled. We’re talking model face, hot bod, acne jeans (in 2006, mind you), and he even went to NYU, which makes him at least marginally intelligent. His behavior is a bit off to begin with, which we attribute to a chemically induced condition of sorts. When he mentions that he’s from New Jersey, I flinch. When he repeatedly tells my roommates that he “basically majored in blow,” I briefly waver.  But at this point, there is very little he can do to deter my unhindered, unwavering attraction. “So what if he does drugs and is secretly a Jew from New Jersey” I think, “What guy in nyc doesn’t fit that profile?”


It’s not until he drops trou in the middle of the apartment and starts asking “anyone” to touch his ween that my rose-colored fantasy begins to falter. It’s 9pm on a Tuesday and my roommates are starting to get a little freaked out, so I beg the inebriated, pant-less man exposing his nether region to my living room to please pull up his $200 jeans. He briefly complies. 30 seconds later, they are down again and he’s gotten his hands on my roommate’s digital camera. Penis photo shoot ensues.


Penis with glasses on.

Penis next to MTWTFSS pill case.

Penis with toy doll.

Penis with my roommate’s family vacation memento.


After a while, he gets a bit burnt out by the photo shoot, and we somehow manage to get him and his semi-erect penis out the door and into a bar down the street where — within minutes — he somehow winds up doing push-ups on the floor while the bartender sprays him with beer. Shocked, offended, sexually-molested, involved in pornography, and wondering whether my roommates will ask me to move out, I proceed to make out with the formerly naked (still-incredibly-handsome) stranger.


He was actually a great kisser.



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