oink, bitch

10 Aug

During the final semester of my senior year at NYU, I enjoyed dating/sleeping with a few different guys in a very casual way. One guy in particular though started showing up pretty consistently in my bed and I in his. We were incredibly attracted to each other and had great sex, but he was too much of a bro for me and I was too much of everything for him. The only date that was ever suggested was taking me to Medieval Times or some other similar restaurant where you wear crowns and eat whole cow legs off the bone. This goes to show how little this man knew about me.


After somewhat of a hiatus in our “relationship” which I assumed was caused by him seeing another woman who traveled in our social circle – letʼs call her Bimbo – I ran into him on the night before my graduation. He was accompanied by a brand new flame who I had never met before AND Bimbo. l bowed out early on this situation because not only did I assume he was overwhelmed by his options, but I had to be up at 7am for a 7:30am breakfast which preceded my 9am graduation in Washington Square Park. At around 2am, I received a drunk dial from him asking me to meet him on a street near my apartment. What possessed me to meet him is unclear to me. I guess for some reason I found it sweet that he thought of me in his obliterated state when he likely could have gone home with either Bimbo or New Flame. When I met him, I realized he we so drunk that Bimbo and New Flame undoubtedly had turned him down, realizing he was going to be useless in bed. I had never seen him this trashed but I am open- minded so I just looked at it as an experiment.


As we walked back to my place, he started viciously biting me, something he hadnʼt done before. I am down with a little violence and roughness in my sex so I was initially okay with this new foreplay. It stopped being sexy when it started feeling like a pit bull biting my arm. I yelled at him to stop. He laughed and called me by Bimboʼs real name. I let it slide since he was wasted. We got to my place and he begged me to get on top of him saying, “you are so much better than me.” I started fucking him and again, he called me Bimboʼs name.


Here was a first in my life. I laughed and carried on, not realizing that what was to come was much more offensive than calling me by a name other than my own WHILE HE WAS INSIDE OF ME. It started with a heavy breathing I had not heard from him before and gradually transitioned into a proper snort. An animal noise. A heaving like a pig fighting to eat at the trough amongst many other hoofed creatures. I felt as if I were willingly partaking in some weird form of bestiality and I was horrified, but by some miracle, he came and passed out. I guess I am better than he is.


In a few hours, I had to get out of bed to drag myself to my graduation. I awoke severely bruised on both arms and found next to me this drooling, snoring man whose newly formed beer gut hung over his inside-out underwear. I rubbed my eyes and injured arms while staring at him and wondering if Iʼd learned anything in the past four years.



2 Responses to “oink, bitch”

  1. Megs August 10, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    This…. is brilliant.

  2. avster August 11, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    Agreed. I love it – It would be hard to “top” this one.

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