Fall into the Gap

17 Aug

I dated this guy in college who went to a school upstate.  By that I mean, he would come into the city and crash in my dorm room (which I shared with another person) and we would have sex.  I was really attracted to this guy so I tried to ignore the fact that he was literally the worst sex I had ever had.  Apparently when he got drunk he would sometimes try to kiss his guy friends, so eventually I read his doggy-style only policy as latent and severely repressed homosexuality.  During the doggy-style smack-down, he would grip and bite my arms and torso so hard that I would end up with these crazy blue-green bruises for weeks.  I furthered my simple-minded analysis and began to believe that he was just trying to imagine me as a frat boy by ignoring that my fair skinned frame couldn’t really handle his aggressive man (on man) touch.  People would give me weird looks and most likely thought I was in a downward spiraling, abusive relationship.  I wanted to pull them aside and say, “Don’t worry…it’s just really horrible, rough sex with a repressed gay college boy.  I’m fine!”

For some reason during this time I was sitting in Washington Square Park and approached about auditioning for a Gap commercial.  I sort of thought it was a big joke but my friends convinced me that being the face of a Gap ad would be a huge and hysterical social climb.  I showed up to the casting probably a week after a night of gay-bruising; my arms a technicolor dream.  I tried to cover them up with makeup and wore a three-quarter length shirt to hide the evidence, but as soon as I got there they made me put on a Gap tank top.  I was thrown in front of bright lights and cameras while some sort of creative director held up a sign that read “Hoodies,” “T-Shirts,” “Tank Tops.”  I was humiliatingly forced to repeat the words on camera over and over again and then asked awkward questions like, “What does Gap mean to you?” and “How do you Gap?”

I spit out words like Americana and Everyday Basics but all I was thinking was, “How do I Gap?”  Well, funny you ask.  I’m the girl who gets Gap’ed doggy-style in a fuck fest with a closeted gay college boy.



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