After failing to hear from my prospect-of-the-moment one cold as crap night, I drunkenly agreed to leave a housewarming party with some curly-cued young friend-of-a-friend (of a friend?). The poorness of my decision, though, was made immediately clear to me as the kid rushed me into his bed and started sloppy kissing/dry humping me like a freshman frat boy the second we walked into his apartment. Following some awkward attempts to resist the overzealous efforts, I finally just rolled over and went to sleep–avoiding the hookup altogether. A little while later he woke me up. “I think you should leave,” he said. “Sorry, but I didn’t bring you here to snuggle.” I had zero energy to be offended at the kick-out as I stumbled to the door and let myself out. Wandering home through the stormy night that night, I wondered if anything could be more uncomfortable than a dazed, drunk/sleepy stroll through San Francisco sheets of rain at 3 am. I quickly found out what was more uncomfortable, though, the following evening when an inquiring facebook message popped up in my inbox. Hey, it said, just making sure you made it home all right last night. Oh also, he added, this is kind of a weird question, but I’m paranoid so I’m just going to ask it: I don’t have to worry about STDs or anything…right?
I was tempted to write back that I thought I might be pregnant from our passionate night of NOT hooking-up also. Apparently not all of us are privileged to know just exactly how those suckers get transmitted.
date me in the face 
You should have said “no nothing besides the herpes”