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DMITF

Would you like some donuts with your break-up?

It was Fall of my freshman year of college.  Toward the end of the summer, I had started dating a guy I met through friends.  He lived about an hour away from where I was going to school.  He was pretty, but dumb, and it wasn’t going anywhere.  We hadn’t even had sex.  Eventually I decided to break it off before it got too serious.  I called him up and ended it over the phone.  He started crying and said, “no, you can’t do this”.  He wanted to keep going over it, but I told him I had to go and ended the call.  Roughly an hour later, he showed up at my dorm room.  Some a-hole had let him into the building.  He’d obviously been drinking, and of course driving.  He convinced me to come outside with him, and we got into his car, where he proceeded to cry and beg me not to break up with him.  To soften the blow, I told him I liked him too much, and got out of the car.  I looked over my shoulder as I walked back to my dorm, only to see him driving his car in tight circles, doing stuntman-style donuts in the parking lot.

You’re alright, too

The other night I was out at The Library (a bar) with a female friend, when a guy sits down at our table and starts hitting on her. It’s the usual stuff: she’s beautiful, she deserves to feel good about herself, she probably wouldn’t give a guy like him the time of day.  (All true things). He introduces himself, and continues the cavalcade. She’s embarrassed. After telling her she’s beautiful for the tenth time, he suddenly notices I’m sitting there.

“Oh. You’re alright too.”

Silence of the Lambs was silently playing on a projection screen against the wall.

 

 

New Gay BFF

I met a guy at a surprise party this week. He’s in his early 30’s, my height (small), balding, gay, an art curator, and keeps complimenting my outfit. I’m certain I hit the new friend jackpot and can’t wait for my awesome new gay BFF in the small city I just moved to. Until he’s like… I really enjoy hanging out with you, I havent had this sort of connection since I broke up with my girlfriend last summer.

Leave your ass to pay the bill

My first Plentyoffish date:

He picks me up for dinner.  Nicely dressed, nice car, nice manners.  Says stuff about photos not doing me justice and all those other nice things a girl likes to hear.  We go to a restaurant of my choosing.  It ended up being a fabulous date.  He was attentive, we had a great conversation, he even found a reason to slide into the booth next time me and kiss me before dessert.

So far so good.  I’m starting to feel like I hit the jackpot.

Then the check came.  As always, I asked, “Can I help you with that?”

He said, “Whew, I am glad you said that.  If you didn’t, I would have had to leave your ass to pay the bill because I HATE girls who expect the man to pick up the tab.”

G train missed connection

One late night on the G train I found myself making eye contact with the guy sitting across from me.  We kept on glancing at each other and then quickly looked away so many times that I almost started laughing.  When we both got off the train at Lorimer, I was sure he would say something to me.  Instead, he walked ahead of me as I trailed behind, noting his black jacket with “Nintendo” printed on the back.

The eye-fuck really stuck with me though, and the next day at work I was persuaded by friends via gchat to write a missed-connection on Craigslist.  I had always loved laughing at the craiglists post before.  This was just an experiment, I convinced myself.  A post to see if the world of lost-internet love connections really worked.

I posted something super cheesy and in the vein of posts I had read, requested that my long-lost love describe what he was wearing to prove it was him.  I expected a slew of psycho “me so horny” emails in my inbox and hoped to be amused at work for the rest of the day.  No one wrote.

The next day I got a lone email that read:

Hey there,

I’m not entirely sure that was me, but I was on the g around 1am and got off at lorimer, and I do enjoy playing eye tag with cute girls…

I was wearing a black hat, black nintendo jacket, brown hair, blue eyes

I wish I could remember for sure, but I was pretty drunk on tht ride home…in any case let me know if I’m the guy and maybe we can meet up for a drink sometime

Despite the fact that he openly admitted that he had absolutely no idea who i was, and just happened to be drunkenly on the train at the same time but would STILL be up for getting a drink with me, I was curious enough to facebook stalk him.  His page revealed that his Nintendo jacket, which I had thought was a simple Beacon’s Closet vintage hipster purchase, was actually a huge insight into his personality.  His profile picture was a nintendo screenshot.  His wall was filled up with nerdy guys writing shortcuts and coding to cheat on games.  His pictures can only be described as Dungeon and Dragons-esque.

Maybe we belong together.  Or, maybe i should let drunken dorks lie.

Interested in something casual?

 

Parked Car

I was out at a bar with my friend and her boyfriend.  We left, and ran into a few of his friends.  One of them started hitting on me almost immediately.  What I interpreted as enthusiasm and friendliness in my drunken state, I came to realize shortly after was obviously the result of some heavy drug use.  My would-be suitor was putting his arm around me, and trying to get his face close to mine.  I kept slipping out of his grimy grasp, until I thought he had given up.  The rest of us were chatting, and he walked down the block and then came back a few minutes later.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  He put his arm around me again when he got back, and my friend said we had to be going.  As we walked away she told me that when he left she saw him pee all over a parked car, including the DOOR HANDLE, and then come back to touch me.

And sexual.

I should have known when he said “I like being active. And sexual” five minutes into the first date. I should have cut my losses when he said “i’m silly. and sexual” ten minutes later. when he asked me “how do you feel about sex”? I should have called it a day. But no, I had to wait for him to say ” you got this right?” as the pizza man rang up my slice of cheese. what a heartbreaker.

Bikini Wax small talk

The Lady: Are you married?

Me: No.

The Lady: Boyfriend?

Me: Nope, I’m single.

The Lady: Yikes.  I mean, you still may find someone…